Inspired by "Twilight of the Thunder God" by Amon Amarth
Gather round, Novitae. Gather here in the Hammerholm, in the shadow of the weapon that gives this shrine its name. It is a Mjolnir, a God-Hammer, and when it strikes it does so with the force of the winter storm. I bore witness to this myself when I was but a gel, little older than you are now. This tale I shall tell you now.
Our bladekin went to raid and wrath in the summer seas, as we are want to do, yet our sis
Hmm, that was a good read! I like how you brought it as a story told, with the devastation and heroic salvation the stuff of legends is made of, complete with mythical beast, mysterious weapon and equally mysterious hero. The divine intervention towards the end is like solid chocolate icing on a cake! Very nicely done, feels of properly epic proportions for a 40k tale!
It is a bit heavy on 'native' wording, which reads a little awkward at the start but (at least for me) was easy enough to figure out along the way. Some sentences I think might be served with an extra ',' here and there, it 'ran on' a little bit at some points. I felt this was especially noticable in the direct combat sequences. Perhaps you could try chopping those a bit, to give it a bit more pacing, and artificial 'speed' as it were? It might lend the tale a bit more momentum, especially there in the combat.
My favourite bit?
QuoteHe came amongst us in the Hammerholm, and we were in awe of him. No words were shared; none were needed. The God-Warrior stepped up to the Mjolnir and placed his hands upon its shaft, caressing it as a priest does when blessing a newborn.
And, of course:
QuoteYet she smiled at us, like a sailor who had been too long at sea and at last returned home, and we knew then she was one of us.
She would not speak to us further. She left quickly, marching out into the dawn and heading south. We did not follow her, for we knew her path was not for mortals. Soon the sound of the Thunderwyrm returned, and as it did I turned my eyes south, and I swear I saw one fly across the horizon, bound for the realm of the Gods.
Goosebumps. All. Over.