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"The Duelist" - A short story of the Bright Lords.

Started by Lord Sotek, January 04, 2013, 04:59:14 AM

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Easy Feedback: Let me know what you thought of the story, even if you don't feel like a post!

1/5; I really didn't think highly of it.
0 (0%)
2/5; I was pretty bored/unimpressed.
0 (0%)
3/5; It was decent/OK but I found it hard to really get into.
0 (0%)
4/5; I quite liked it!
2 (50%)
5/5; I loved it!
0 (0%)
Hoi, Isaac, where's my zoggin' scenery!?
3 (75%)

Total Members Voted: 4

Lord Sotek

A short, very out-of-context, but hopefully rather fun little vignette that popped out of my head and onto the page. Hope you all enjoy, and apologies in advance for the lack of "scenery" prose, to those of you who helpfully pointed this flaw out in one of my previous stories.

Please do comment, critique, tell me what you thought! I appreciate any and all feedback, no matter how gushing or editorially critical. ;)




Michka Khorei flourished his saber through a formal salute, advancing two steps before holding the curved blade out in a fencer
Quote from: Saulus on March 17, 2011, 06:16:56 PM
Often I hear delusional ramble like "I painted and collected my army as ultramarine tyranid hunters....but Pedro is really good, so now I'm using him, but I'm just going to call him Jimbob-Fistpumper, cause that fits with my

LinnScarlett

But Isaac.... where is my throne-forgotten scenery?  ;)

Regardless, it's a great altercation, just like your other posts  - interesting and evocative. I especially liked both the comments on the Haemo's 'borrowed face' as well as the 'They [Khorei's hearts] fluttered, interupted by the intruder in their midst'. Very nice.

I don't think there's much to add to that, other than OMGSCENERY?! (you know how sensitive I am about scenery :p) and perhaps minor polishing on the sentences of their combat, to give it a bit more push. The time-dilation and restoration perception can be neatly mimicked with sentence length and structure, if you pull it off right.

Other than that, full score, I say.  ;D
I need more time to do the Emperor's work!

You can read my stuff on 2S's Fluff and Stories.

Or, you can come visit my author page on Archive of Our Own. WARNING: NC-17

BigToof

Hi Isaac,
I liked this one, really did, and it was neat to see how the Bright Lords are really coming along.

Is this the Marines that have a thing for taking apart Dark Eldar or is that another one?

Also, if you don't mind me asking, which founding are the Bright Lords?  They seem sort of like Crimson Fists at times, but maybe that's just my inkling...

Best,
-BT
BigToof Points:

Cammerz: 8
Waaaghpower: 1
The Man They Call Jayne: 3
Mabbz: 6
Archon Sharrek: 3

LinnScarlett

Hm. I think they were 22nd, from the top of my head. But I am sure Isaac will pop in to correct me :p
I need more time to do the Emperor's work!

You can read my stuff on 2S's Fluff and Stories.

Or, you can come visit my author page on Archive of Our Own. WARNING: NC-17

Lord Sotek

#4
Quote from: BigToof on January 07, 2013, 06:43:50 PM
Hi Isaac,
I liked this one, really did, and it was neat to see how the Bright Lords are really coming along.

Is this the Marines that have a thing for taking apart Dark Eldar or is that another one?

Huzzah, some interest! Yes, the Bright Lords see protecting the Imperium's vassals as a divine mandate, so they particularly hate a foe that seems to specifically focus on and delight in victimizing civilian targets.

What caught your interest about the story? Was there anything in particular?

Quote
Also, if you don't mind me asking, which founding are the Bright Lords?  They seem sort of like Crimson Fists at times, but maybe that's just my inkling...
That's a very close guess! 22nd founding, Imperial Fists training cadre, but unknown geneseed.

(Following the Cursed Founding and the Age of Apostasy, paranoid High Lords of Terra picked a loyal 'Fist and went: "You. Hey you. Train up a new chapter of Marines. Use the geneseed in this box, it's really pure. Don't ask us any other questions about where it came from or else.")

They've got all 20 working organs and no major geneseed flaws or Traitor Legionish traits though, so that narrows the field of possibilities down some.

Quote from: Linn Scarlett on January 07, 2013, 07:05:00 PM
Hm. I think they were 22nd, from the top of my head. But I am sure Isaac will pop in to correct me :p
Bingo, and well remembered. :)

Quote from: Saulus on March 17, 2011, 06:16:56 PM
Often I hear delusional ramble like "I painted and collected my army as ultramarine tyranid hunters....but Pedro is really good, so now I'm using him, but I'm just going to call him Jimbob-Fistpumper, cause that fits with my