Midnight Corsairs - Through the Warp (and other Fiction?)

[Narric]

Before I start, I should inform you that this is meant as backstory to explain why the "Space Marines" I may continue to use have a very different armour type and appearence.

The Midnight Corsairs are the equivalent of Space Marines, thought they are not the 40k variety.

There will be a few things that won't seem accurate with respect to the 40k fluff, but that is intentional, to emphasis that the MCs are not from the 40k timeline/universe.

I may do more short stories. Possibly from the point of view of Sergeants, and other Dramatis Personae.

Hope you enjoy ^_^



The metal corridor rang like thunder as Exo-lord Commander Jekart ran. He was heading straight for the Command Deck, with alarms screaming throughout the ship. Slaming his bionic hand on the Bulkhead release button, still smeared with abrasive oil from its interrupted cleaning, he continued further down the crowded corridor. Flight Crew and Cultik Technicians fluidly stepped aside from his path. Stepping through the final bulkhead into the half-circle and two-tiered Command Deck, he could already see that a structural beam had splintered from above, clearly landing in the lap of the Prime Pilot. Jakert jumped up to the Pulpit level, were the Cruiser's Captain was barking orders at his flight crew.
"Status report!" Jakert boomed, standing to the right of the Captain of the Nicossiar. To the Captains left, the Navitorum Priest had a face of ash white, a thin layer of sweat covering a expression of great loss.
"It was gone, bet then four took its place" The Navitorum Priest responded, his voice nearly drowned to a quiet whisper amongst the noise of the lower Control Pews.
"A Warp-Hole opened "beneath us" and the ship was pulled in. We barely had time to activate the shields." Breaking to bark more orders to the crew, the Captain took a quick moment to recollect himself. "We're currently hurtling through warp space, and as you can see, our Navitorum Priest is not making any sense."
Jakert listened, praying to the Emperor for the safety of the ship. He looked forward to the Prime Pilot seat, just in front of the Pulpit. The Pilot had been pinned to his chair at the shoulder, and a novice technician was working feverishly to follow the confusing orders given to them to control the ship.
Seemingly with the force to tear the ship in two, harsh turbulence struck the Cruiser. Jakert was nearly thrown from his feet, quickly activating partial magnetism in his bionic feat. He had been fast enough to catch the Captain, but the Navitorum Priest had been launched backwards, their neck cracking upon the frame of the bulkhead behind him.
The Captain cursed sharply. "Damage Report?!" he shouted at the top of his lunges. Within seconds a crewman answered.
"Aft decks seven and eight have been breached, with no chance for survivors. Port Gun Battery has also been breached, however all active personnel are accounted for. Forward Shielding has been severely reduced." Both the Captain and Commander Jakert realised at the same moment what that status report meant. The entirety of the fifth and seventh company of the Midnight Corsairs had just been dropped into the harsh unreality of the Warp. Commander Jakert was first to regain himself, activating the ship-wide comms.
"All-hands, prepared for re-entry into real-space." With this, the Cultik technician was nearly pushed to their limit. The Pilot barking orders that had to be followed precisely.
As the Nicossiar broke back into real-space, Commander Jakert braced himself for the transition. For two seconds his vision became black, all sound left his ears, and the small of abrasive oil ceased. For two long seconds, Jakert knew of nothing around him. Then a face began to fill his vision. The sounds of harsh laughter deafened his hearing, and the smell of congealed blood flooded his nostrils. The face was human. It snarled at him, practically distorting into the visage of a grey coated wolf. The human face was bald, with only the start of a top-knot visible. When the feeling reached an apex, everything of the real-world returned to Jakert. The face, the noise, the smell. All were gone.
He looked to the front, and examined the stars. Before he had a chance to give them his full attention, a crewman shouted. "Captain, we can't locate our current position. All visible points of light do not match any of our star charts!"
"How is that possible?" Questioned the Captain, though he didn't wait for answer. "Send for the Navitorum Priest in isolation. We need her to figure out where we are!"
Two cultic technicians stepped forward, and headed for the doorway. One carried on, whilst the other picked up the limp corpse of the previous Navitorum. Jakert had made his way to the front of the Command Deck, looking far out into the empty space before him. He examined any speck of light he saw at random.
"There!" He exclaimed. "A small planetoid ten degrees starboard, and fifteen down." He pointed to the distance speck of the planet. Behind him, the Pilot was already being freed of his seat. His body was placed onto a stretcher, and he was taken to the sick bay. The technician that had helped was not sure what to do with their self.
"You there!" spoke Jakert. There technician jumped at the direct interaction from the Exo-lord Commander. "You've no doubt learnt something from all that. Until the Pilot has returned, you're to fill his seat. Remove those robes, and use them to clean the blood before you sit down though." With that said, Jakert walked back up to the pulpit. He stood next to the Captain.
"I'm sorry for your lose, old friend." The Captain spoke softly, is voice hoarse from all the shouting previously.
"Nothing anybody could have done Karick. We were unprepared for the Warp-hole itself, let alone what was within." Karick stood more at ease after that. "I'll go down, and inform my men of what has happened."
Commander Jakert stepped down from the Pulpit, and exited the command deck. Captain Karick began issuing orders.

[LinnScarlett]

Hmm, interesting! I like how you dropped us immediately in the action. At times though, it feels quite slow (I don't know if this is deliberate, what with the wonky ways of the Warp, it might well be). You could think about using shorter sentences, and less passive-tense verb use, both of these things might help giving the action a bit more punch, making it feel a bit more immediate, and dangerous.

I loved the bit with the warp transition and the vision, very cool and distressing!

Besides that, I have little to add - it's a good start, and I am quite interested to see more of it! The only other things I thought of while reading are little beauty mistakes (inconsistent use of your own names - e.g. cultic/cultik/caltik technicians - and a bit of singular/plural spagetti and a few tiny typos).

Question - if this is not W40k, then what is it? And if this is not W40k, then how does it matter whether or not it's W40k fluff accurate?