The Seething Spire

[Restayvien]

PROLOGUE

Perpetual darkness lay astride the ravaged horizon like tar on a wound. Jagged precipices clawed at the rough-hewn split between earth and heaven, a ruddy violent red hue seeped into them from above, blood spilt from angry eyes of a brutal and merciless god. Hot, stifling winds coruscated across terrain marred by millennia of unnatural forces, whip-lashing the drifting debris that hung suspended in the air by invisible daemons and malign magical currents.  Plains of bone and lakes of blood populated by horrors beyond imagination decorated the surface of the planet in a parody of a once verdant and beautiful sphere. Hounds of ferocious strength ripped apart deformed human-like silhouettes amidst the dust storms whilst barb-toothed carrion birds circled menacingly in wait for the satiating ruined and bloody forms of the prey below. Mirroring this hellish scene a metallic and sharp symbol pierced the night with inner fire, fixed atop the highest point of a dark and baroque citadel.
This was the house of Khorne.

Surveying the scene from a deep-set window cut from black stone was a man, if he could be called such a thing. Grey veins with broken walls seeped yellow blood beneath his cracked skin and gill-like slits opened either side of his saw-toothed maw. Muscular tongues ran over the serrated edges of his cruel teeth, fresh cuts over scar tissue brought fourth blood that flowed back down his welcoming throat. Glazed eyes with cracked irises rolled back and forth like those of a maddened hound. Obscenely muscular arms rippled and pressed in vain against mighty obsidian armour plate. Beneath this exterior was a mind so dark and twisted that no visage could do it justice

[Restayvien]

I just transferred this over from the archive - wrote it a few years ago. It's part intro, part plot outline, part early draft. I was hoping to flesh it out enough for a few chapters and then turn it into a novel, but it hasn't happened yet...   Hope you like it! Thoughts?

[BigToof]

Well, I absolutely loved it!

Is there more?

Best,
-BT

[Restayvien]

Awesome! 8) Not exactly, but there are a few other short stories I've written which I'd planned to incorporate into the novel in some way. I can post them if you'd like (though I have to find them first, and bring them into work on a USB stick as I have no internet connection in my new apartment yet...).

[LinnScarlett]

Oh yes, it has some major tense/drama archs going on - you should certainly get back to this and work it out into a longer story and/or continue the story and advance the plot. I am quite eager to read more of it; I am not very Eldar-savvy and therefore the tentative hints of plot really lure my curiosity.

Deamons, Eldar pirates, unwary Imperials, what more could we possibly want? Hm... a side-dish of unintended romance, maybe? I kid. 

I especially like your evocative use of descriptive text, it makes the entire story very compelling in my opinion. But then, I would say that, wouldn't I? I think others can confirm that I am just a sucker for such descriptive texts. Hehe.

I realise that, as you said, its a few years old. But I felt it might be helpful, if you intent to continue this story, to point out some of the things I felt might improve it overall if you give them some thought.

Stating of opinion ensues:

The text feels quite... stacatto... at parts. As if the sentences within the paragraphs are somehow seperate thoughts and ideas, rather than connected parts of a single thought and vision (does that make sense?). I am not quite sure yet how this could be changed, other than suggesting rereading it and adding 'what comes to mind' in between existing sentences where you feel such an extra bit could be helpful in tying it all together a fraction tighter.

It is also quite passive, with many continual-infinite and/or fixed-passive verb and sentence structures, which makes it feel protracted at times (others might say 'boring', as protracted texts quickly lose their narrative momentum if you're not careful). The latter can be a good thing to give 'flavour' to parts of the text, and I think it will work if soley employed for Eldar-narrative (because the 'feel' of protracted text suits the 'feel' of Eldar - I hope that made sense? For example, I used it intentionally to the point of being obtuse in my own 'Aquila' short-fic: to intentionally create a sense of dreamy, protracted, zen-narrating.

One last thing: comma's (,) are your friend, and do not fear the dreaded semi-colon (; )! Especially with the evocative and complicated sentence structures you employ a few times, an extra helping of commas or a well-situated semi-colon can work miracles on both readability and breaking the protraction.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, as I am merely trying to help of course! I really think your text has potential, and certainly you should continue with the arch. Good luck, and keep us posted if you work on it! 

[InsaneTD]

Really good. I like what I read and hope to see more.